A Year of Tears: Tears of Joy and Tears of Pain...

I wrote this several months back but for some reason it didn't post. I know it is long but I'm printing my blog later and it's a good summary...

A Year of Tears: Tears of joy and Tears of pain…

Well I must admit it is quite overwhelming for me to attempt to cover the gap between now and November 20, the last time I blogged. Or, in a bigger sense, to attempt to recap the “stones of remembrance” from this last year. There have been so many emotions, feelings that at times have almost crippled me. Circumstances that have brought extreme joy, and devastating sadness. In many ways, I have had the most difficult year of my life. However, also the most blessed and freeing…The birth of the twins was a miracle and has enlarged my heart to love more than I thought was possible in human form. But in loving much, you risk much, and in the many terrifying moments where we almost lost Abigail, and prematurely grieved her death as the doctors seemingly gave up hope on her, my heart was torn to shreds. I was brought to a much deeper and greater understanding of the gospel as I watched my first child suffer greatly. Circumstantially, we have been living in a crisis for most of this year. The babies were born May 1, Abigail in the NICU for almost 2 months, then seeking to bring home and care for 2 special needs children. I went to the doctor with them nearly every day (Abigail sees 9 specialists) for months and months. And yet in the midst of great difficulty, the Lord wrapped his loving arms around us in so many ways. He blew our minds with the ways he continually provided for us financially over and over again. He provided me with physical help and even meals for nearly 6 months after their birth. There was someone in my house offering me help in shifts for at least 2-4 hours of my day. We would not have made it without the loving hands of the body of Christ (specifically my mom, Grace Community Church, and our students) as they served us and bore our burdens with us. Around 6 months (now October) the twins were a lot more stable physically and manageable. I began to feel as though I could breathe again, for a little while, before the waves started crashing in on me once more. It is as though all year I have been drowning, and I was able to come up for a good choking breath, before I went under once again. We started finding out of some of my own health issues, including the toll the pregnancy had taken on my osteoporosis, my prolonged endocrine issues, and also a lump my doctor found in my breast that he was concerned about. However, the most devastating blow, was when my mother in law had a debilitating stroke on December 9, 2009. This event was absolutely devastating and set us back on the “roller coaster” once more. Ben’s dad died the year before we got married, and he and his mom are very close. The first couple weeks he was at the hospital for about 12 hours/day. She initially continued to worsen and we were again faced with the pain of loss. Not only the potential loss of her life, but the actual loss of her mobility, independence, and partial vision. As some of you may know, a stroke changes a person. We have taken on the responsibility of her financial/legal matters, not to mention just being there for her emotionally and physically. We moved her to a rehab facility, she get pneumonia on Christmas day so we went back to the hospital, and then back to rehab, and finally home. It has been extremely taxing and emotionally draining process on my husband. The stress of caring for a sick parent cannot adequately be described in words. We continued to press on and sought just to make it through most of our days. It is now February. I would love to tell you that “everything is better”- that the twins don’t still have health issues, that Marilyn has fully recovered, and that my health also resolved. Instead, circumstantially, the Lord has chosen to “rock us” even more. There have been some deep seeded issues in my heart the Lord has chosen to bring to the surface right now. Things that have affected everything about my life. Also, there have been some changes that have occurred with our job and due to circumstances beyond our control, our entire staff will be making a transition in the fall and paychecks could be cut even now. Personally, our transition is going to be a very large one both geographically and emotionally. And yet, the Lord is teaching me some amazing lessons and flooding my heart with peace. I am still drowning in a sense- all the waves are still crashing, the waters are still covering us, and it can at times still feel as though I cannot breath- however he has met me IN MY STORM and is breathing into my struggling lungs (supplying me with rich oxygen). He has not removed any of my pain, in fact, it’s in choosing to feel and be broken, that I find myself the most free. Our circumstances remain- Marilyn, the twins’ health, my health, a massive transition- and the emotions are real- wrestling with God in the pain he is allowing to continue to inflict upon our lives. THE CONSTANCY of it all IS WHAT’S BEEN SO CRIPPLING… And honestly it’s the questions in my heart (the doubt of a sovereign god and his love for me, the brutality of living in a fallen world, the disappointment of people that fail me) that are much more difficult to deal with than any situation. But in choosing to deal with my heart, to take all my questions about life to the author of life, to surrender my pain to the only One who can really handle it and invites me in- this is where I have found rest. I am more at rest and at peace now than I have ever been, even though many days I am grieving. I am seeing that despair and hope are not at odds-it’s as though they kiss. That I no longer have to long for relief from the pain, but can see it as a door that invites me to deeper RELATIONSHIP. And so I walk willingly, with my Savior, on this journey called life…