In an attempt to not catch up my blog at all, I wanted to share how the Lord has been showing up in my life lately. I have felt the frustration of the inadequacy of words to capture life- life that is full of images, emotions, moments, and details and thus have hesitant to blog. I was encouraged by a friend to pray for God to “surprise” me with the way He moves in my heart. The last few months have been difficult and dark, as I have wrestled with the apparent silence of God in my past and sometimes in my present. He has taken me on the most magnificent journey as He walks me into deep and hidden crevices of my heart, painful places that have been locked up for years and years. Sometimes that pain and the realities of my story have been absolutely excruciating, threatening to undo me. God is not satisfied with merely breaking us- a broken piece of pottery, though it is shattered, is still very hard. Instead, He has been melting me- leaving me completely surrendered and dependent-and forming me into a clearer reflection of Him. He has put people in my life that have been His face for me- that reflect a picture of His character and of His heart that He is using to soften and mold me.
This week particularly I was longing for the Lord to bring healing to my heart and several friends were praying for me as well. Those prayers were answered in the most incredible ways. However, the most significant moment of my week was an encounter with a woman at my church. This woman has suffered significant injustice and pain, which has led to psychological issues, physical disability, and emotional distress. Many love her out of duty, tolerating the outward displays of her brokenness in the name of Christ. Unfortunately, this has been my response to her as well. Choosing to love because that’s what we are called to do. However, this time I was broken over her story as she shared with me and I believed in her and for her with an unbridled passion. I saw the courage it took for her to continue to live. She often feels hopeless and that her efforts are meaningless, but I saw her God-given dignity. And God gave me the most significant love for her. So much so that I was overwhelmed by the brokenness of her story and despair she often feels. It was in my moment of entering her pain, that I recognized Christ response in me. I would not have seen her before, had it not been for the pain God has allowed in my life. I could identify with her, I knew what it felt like to be overwhelmed by lies, and darkness, and I was flooded with compassion. He is giving me sweet glimpses of redemption as I walk through my story in giving me faith to believe for those who need it. The irony in it is not that He sent me to her, rather He sent her to me. She blessed my heart more than she can imagine, I’m so encouraged by her struggle to believe in a God that sees her, and loves her.
This song captures well my heart this week….(Excuse the brief introduction)
Kari Jobe- You are For Me