Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Our longings are dangerous… Anytime we open ourselves up to embrace the depth of our desires, we are in danger of feeling the agonizing pain of never seeing those desires come to fruition. As men and women, we have specific desires woven into the fabric of our being from the beginning of time. Good desires, one's that spring out of our dignity, not our depravity. But when those desires are met with a sin stained world, they are often either silenced out of fear, or idolized and demanded. To maintain the balance of remaining open to our longings without idolizing them, trusting and hoping in what may be to come while continuing to grieve what is not had, is an extremely difficult task. So difficult, in fact, that it cannot be articulated with words. It is far easier to silence desire and protect myself from the ache that never really seems to go away, than to fully face my desire and thus choose to feel painful daily reminders of what I do not have. Often, at least for me, this causes a cyclical oscillation from hope to despair and then back again. It can seem as though the waves of the journey, of allowing myself to lean into little glimmers of hope only then to be dashed again by another major hurdle, will suck so much life out of me that my heart won't survive it. It feels like pieces of me die…but maybe that's a part of the process. That though there is death, there will also be new life on the other side.