Monday, September 7, 2009

"He sees each tear that falls..."

I had a few quiet moments this morning and decided to spend it with the Lord instead of doing the 100’s of things that need to be done (or so I often feel). The twins are now 4 months old, and yet it seems as though I’ve lived about 4 years of life in the last 4 months. I absolutely LOVE my children and LOVE being a mommy- love taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow, ect! They are smiling and cooing and it is adorable! However, all the doctors’ appointments are just wearing on me. I literally have 3-5 appt’s a week with one/both of them and they just take nearly my whole day. It just seems as though we get over one bump, to be faced with another big issue. We went to the dr. mon w/ Abigail and they scheduled us to see a different dr- genetics. Went Wed w/ both- and found a heart murmur on Aiden so we’re headed to cardio. It’s disheartening, draining, lonely, and there doesn’t seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel. I realize that what God has called me to do right now is to be a full time mom- take care of my children & free up my husband to minister on the college campus. However, I don’t understand why my extra part time job is to go to the Dr. I also don’t understand why my babies are so sick and their issues multiplying. I do realize it could be worse…it’s just so hard sometimes. The only thing I can do with my feelings is to take them to the Lord and simply surrender to His will. So often I think what I need the most is relief from my pain, but really what I need the most is Him. I don’t have to understand His ways and workings in my life- life is about His glory and not my happiness or even my children’s relief from pain. Why God choose for these circumstances to be in our lives I do not know but I do know that through this he is absolutely changing the core of who I am and I pray bringing Himself glory! I continue to learn that the pathway to great joy is through suffering. Jesus suffered for the joy set before him and our sufferings are for the joy of knowing him more.
I’m not trying to complain, just trying to be honest. I’m truly thankful for so many things. Jehovah Jireh has provided for us in so many ways. People have brought us meals, given us money to help w/ all the medical bills, and given their time to come lend me a hand for a while. If not for these things life would be very overwhelming. Also, there is no telling what He is protecting us and the children from. They are both still with us- for which I am eternally grateful! Their issues could be much worse, I’m sure. I’m also so thankful for my wonderful husband. He is constantly serving our family and sacrificing for us. He’s soooo helpful and such a servant. And He is just my best friend (and sometimes it seems my only friend- with all the dr.’s appt I don’t have much time to spend with friends ). It’s hard to feel so not known and misunderstood by others. Ben understands because he’s walked each step with me (as has the Lord).

“He knows my name, he knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call”- a favorite song of mine
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. “ Ps 73:25-26


Anna said...

I'm praying for you all the time. I have so missed my time with you and your precious ones and I am looking forward to the Friday after next!

I pray that God will heal those precious babies and that He will give you peace, comfort, patience, JOY and above all an unwavering hope in the knowledge of amazing love for YOU!!! Isn't amazing that the creator of the universe is also our perfect, caring, compassionate Father?
I Love You All!
Isaiah 30:18

sarah said...

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this. Psalm 37:4-5

I have never had the privilege of watching someone DELIGHT in OUR FATHER more through such a trying time. We love you all and pray continuously for you all.

Those two are SO DARN CUTE. I can totally see you in Abigail!!

Lindsy said...

I got your blog through my friend Janine Perkins Owens. Just know that there are people like me who don't know you and your babies and I am lifting you and your family up in prayer. God is going to honor y'alls faithfulness and you are witnessing by being so faithful to a God we can't always understand but we choose to serve anyways. I can't imagine the stress of going to Dr. after Dr. nor the stress of simply caring for sick children day in and day out. .....Praying for a day when multiple weekly Dr.'s appointments are a thing of the past!

Danielle said...

Katie-I am still praying for healing for the twins. I wish I were there to help you. I love you guys and will continue to pray.

Shannon said...

Hey Katie,
It is your old Youth Groupie Shannon here praying for you and your family. Rosalie (who is 2 1/2), and I pray for you all each night. She loves to see pictures of Aiden and Abigail too!
I noticed my favorite verse in your post (Who have I but you? . . . My portion forever.) It always answers my questions about suffering: Is it worth it? Is there something good at the end of all this?
I think a lot about Heaven, and I realize that in the end I receive God Himself forever. (Ok, so now I'm crying just thinking about it. =) I love you and will keep in touch.

Shelley said...

i have been thinking about yall a lot and now i know why. just got caught up on the blog. you are in my prayers.

Demetrius and Amy said...

thanks for being honest...with us (your friends) and also with the Lord. if we aren't, we miss out on the possibility of relationship and basically cease to feel. he doesn't need you to hold it together...he needs you to need him. sounds like you're at that place. praying he will meet you in your loneliness and desperate cries for healing.

ps. your babies are beautiful

The Pifer's said...

I found your blog through my friend Kelly...I just wanted you to know I will be praying for your family.

Love, Hugs and prayers-

April Brown said...

Katie, thank you for being so real and vulnerable. I did not, for one second, think you were complaining. In fact, I'm shocked you're not! I certainly would be.

I'm so encouraged by the following words..."So often I think what I need the most is relief from my pain, but really what I need the most is Him." I'll be thinking about that for a while! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

The O'Neal Family said...

My precious friend, I am praying so hard for you and your family. My heart aches for you as you have to watch your little ones go through struggles. Isn't it amazing how you can love something so much immediately? My mother says that being a parent gives us a glimse of how much God loves us.

I am so proud of/encouraged by both of you for how you have honored God through all of this. My sweet Lucas had to be in the NICU for a few days when he was born so I have a very tiny understanding of how it feels to have a sick child and feel helpless. God is good and He will continue to get you through all this!! I will continue to pray for healing!
Love you!-Heather