I had a few quiet moments this morning and decided to spend it with the Lord instead of doing the 100’s of things that need to be done (or so I often feel). The twins are now 4 months old, and yet it seems as though I’ve lived about 4 years of life in the last 4 months. I absolutely LOVE my children and LOVE being a mommy- love taking care of them, playing with them, watching them grow, ect! They are smiling and cooing and it is adorable! However, all the doctors’ appointments are just wearing on me. I literally have 3-5 appt’s a week with one/both of them and they just take nearly my whole day. It just seems as though we get over one bump, to be faced with another big issue. We went to the dr. mon w/ Abigail and they scheduled us to see a different dr- genetics. Went Wed w/ both- and found a heart murmur on Aiden so we’re headed to cardio. It’s disheartening, draining, lonely, and there doesn’t seem to be much light at the end of the tunnel. I realize that what God has called me to do right now is to be a full time mom- take care of my children & free up my husband to minister on the college campus. However, I don’t understand why my extra part time job is to go to the Dr. I also don’t understand why my babies are so sick and their issues multiplying. I do realize it could be worse…it’s just so hard sometimes. The only thing I can do with my feelings is to take them to the Lord and simply surrender to His will. So often I think what I need the most is relief from my pain, but really what I need the most is Him. I don’t have to understand His ways and workings in my life- life is about His glory and not my happiness or even my children’s relief from pain. Why God choose for these circumstances to be in our lives I do not know but I do know that through this he is absolutely changing the core of who I am and I pray bringing Himself glory! I continue to learn that the pathway to great joy is through suffering. Jesus suffered for the joy set before him and our sufferings are for the joy of knowing him more.
I’m not trying to complain, just trying to be honest. I’m truly thankful for so many things. Jehovah Jireh has provided for us in so many ways. People have brought us meals, given us money to help w/ all the medical bills, and given their time to come lend me a hand for a while. If not for these things life would be very overwhelming. Also, there is no telling what He is protecting us and the children from. They are both still with us- for which I am eternally grateful! Their issues could be much worse, I’m sure. I’m also so thankful for my wonderful husband. He is constantly serving our family and sacrificing for us. He’s soooo helpful and such a servant. And He is just my best friend (and sometimes it seems my only friend- with all the dr.’s appt I don’t have much time to spend with friends ). It’s hard to feel so not known and misunderstood by others. Ben understands because he’s walked each step with me (as has the Lord).
“He knows my name, he knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and He hears me when I call”- a favorite song of mine
“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. “ Ps 73:25-26