Brokenhearted

After many babygrams, xrays, ultrasounds, and other tests, the dr.’s still had no idea as to why Abigail is not tolerating food. They started feeding Abigail again on Saturday in order to get stool samples to test for an allergy. They were hoping after all the tests that possibly it was just immaturity of the bowels causing her belly to swell and become so distended and that this time she would tolerate it. Last night (Mon pm) they called us to say they had to stop her feeds again. We went in today and met with the neonatal specialists. He believes she has an obstruction of the bowels- which can only be fixed with surgery. However, at this point they cannot tell where the obstruction is (& have no hard evidence that’s what it is) & cannot do surgery until they can pinpoint it. The danger with surgery is that 1- she’s a one month old in unstable condition and 2- it causes scar tissue which can cause more blockage which would need to be fixed w/ more surgeries. He tried to prepare us by acknowledging our frustration now- and saying it will probably only get worse as we continue to walk through this. She will probably be in the hospital for 2 more months (devastating for mommy and daddy to hear) if everything were to go well. He is working w/ a GI specialists & and now a pediatric surgeon to try to understand what is going on with her. While we were there today I watched them start an IV ten times in her feet, arms, and head. Every time they stuck her, her tiny veins would blow. She has bruises and wounds all over her from all the IV’s, PIC lines, blood samples, and test they’ve done on her. She looks horrible. As I listened to her piercing cry and watched them hold her down to stick her once again, the verse the Lord brought to mind was “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities, upon him was the punishment that brought us peace, and by His stripes we are healed.” My heart is broken over my little girls suffering and the thought of possibly losing her, and as I sat in the NICU and wept I was baffled more than ever that the Lord crushed His only son for a sinner like me. It must have brought Him such grief and pain. I wish so badly that I could take it for her, that I could be sick instead of her, but I can’t. There is nothing I can do to make it better- which is one of the hardest things. Ben and I are heartbroken, and sometimes we feel like we are drowning, but we cling to the One who is carrying us and petition for a miracle. Our prayer is that the Lord would divinely intervene and heal her fragile body. That no surgery would be necessary and she would miraculously begin to tolerate feedings. Please join with us in this prayer. If it be God’s will for surgery, please pray the dr.’s will have wisdom, find the blockage easily, and be able to treat it effectively.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and the waves, they will not overcome you….” Isaiah 43

My greatest comfort is that when I can't hold Abigail- He is; when I can't comfort her- He can; when she is sad, lonely, scared, & in pain- He is there for her, holding her, and loves her even more than I do. Thank you Lord for your presence both with us and with her at the NICU. You are our strength, our rock, our shelter & fortress- we run to you.

Pray for Abigail

Please pray for Abigail-Her condition has worsened. They had to stop her feedings, put her back on IV fluids, & put a tube down her throat to constantly pump her stomach. The dr.'s can't figure out what's wrong with her. She either has an infection, an obstruction of bowels (which they would fix w/ surgery), or she's intolerant to food (not sure how to fix this). We are very worried & emotionally overwhelmed. It's so hard to watch my baby girl suffer-she gags constantly because of the tube and she just cries and cries because she's hungry. There is nothing we can do to console her. However, it's even worse having to leave her there alone then it is to listen to her cry. It has been so taxing trying to pump every 1 1/2 hrs, feed Aiden every 3 (and learn how to take care of a newborn for the first time), and make the trip up to the NICU (which usually takes about 5 hours everyday by the time we drive 1 hr, pump 2x there, and see her). Sometimes I'm so upset when I get home from the NICU that I want to quit, but I know I can't because Aiden needs me too. My heart is constantly torn. We are exhausted and desperatly need the Lord's grace and mercy to make it through each moment. The past 19 days have definitly been the hardest thing He has ever walked me through...I find myself playing the what-if game or second guessing myself alot. Mostly though I'm just so sad she's sick.

The Amazing Race

Tue-Friday
Aiden came home Tuesday! He's so much fun and we are so glad he's finally with us all the time! We love being with him. We are trying to get adjusted to having our first newborn at home, get him on a schedule, teach him to breastfeed, and still travel 1 hour away roundtrip to see Abigail at the NICU. This has been a difficult task since I pump every 1 1/2 hr, feed him every 3 (but it takes an hour), and it takes so long to get to her. This has been a quite stressful so in the midst of it all, we have what's called "The Amazing Race". Aiden's apnea monitor will alarm, all 3 of us will take off running to the nursery (nearly killing each other through doorways, ect.) and we will stimulate him to get him to breath. It isn't funny that his monitor goes off, but it is quite hilarious to see us trying to get to him. Especially in the middle of the night when we can't see anything. Hopefully he will grow out of this soon and breath consistently on his own! Abigail is doing well, increasing her feeds, and they took the pic line (a massive IV that runs up through her leg) out of her foot!

Update

Normally I use my middle of the night pump times to pray for my children but I wanted to send a brief update on the past few days. Our new routine is to pump every 1 1/2 - 2 hours and travel back and forth all day between Providence hospital and USA Children's & Women's to feed/be with Abigail and Aiden. We are very tired from all the traveling, but so pleased that both children are doing so well. I'm so very thankful for my mom who has been here since they were born. We could not have made it without her. Aiden is doing very well and gaining weight. He has had some serious apnea episodes where he stops breathing and his heart rate drops. The nurses have had to stimulate him to get him out of it. Because he's had these episodes frequently, they are sending him home on an apnea monitor that he will wear all the time. It will alarm whenever he stops breathing. Abigail is still on IV fluids and proteins, but they are also slowly increasing her food so as not to overirritate her bowels (she's currently at 12 cc's; 30cc+1 oz). They found a heart murmur on her and did an echogram. This showed a hole in her heart that either could be perfectly normal or a problem- we won't know until later. Pray that it is normal and will close on it's own. Overall she is doing well considering her tiny size! Thank you so much for all your prayers. The Lord has answered so many and we feel His presence with us during this time.

Twins arrive!

Abigail at the NICU

Daddy's hand w/ our 3 lb little girl

Day 2 before they were separated

Aiden w/ his feeding tube

Twins arrival and update

The twins were born via C-section on May 1, 2009. We went in for our 35 week doctor visit on Thursday and the ultrasound showed that Abigail had only gained 1 oz over 3 weeks while her brother had gained about 1 lb. She was not getting the nutrients she needed so the Dr. said we had to get her out now. They admitted me immediatly to give me steriods in order to boost their lung development. Aiden Jeremiah was born at 744 Am weighing 4 lb 14 oz and Abigail Reese at 745 Am weighing only 3 lb 9 oz. We have been on a journey since then. The first day (Friday) they both did very well considering they were so premature. We had to tube feed them but they were both breathing on their own. Saturday Abigail started to decline some- she was vomitting up everything they tried to feed her. On Sunday the neonatal specialists told us they were concerned she had an infection of the bowels called NEC. This infection has a one in four mortality rate for infants. They transfered her to the NICU at USA Children's and Women's hospital Sunday afternoon. Daddy went with her, while mommy and Aiden stayed at Providence. As you can imagine, this was an extremely emotional and difficult day. The doctor was very blunt with us about the infection and her condition, so we wept and prayed most of the day at the thought of losing our precious little miracle. It was overwhelmingly difficult for me to watch them take her away, hooked up to a million different machines and monitors, and not be able to go with her. They have run many tests on Abigail and are continuing to. They stopped feeding her for 2 days to give her bowels a rest and may try to feed her again today. Progress for her will be very slow- her belly is still very inflamed, and her blood counts are not great. She will probably be in the NICU for a month. Please pray that she doesn't have the infection, that her belly will heal, and she will begin to grow. She now weighs only 3 lb. I was still trying to recover from my C-section and began to develop a very severe headache called a spinal headache. Sometimes spinal fluid can leak when they go into your back for the epidural and the only way to fix it is to go back in to your spinal cavity and inject some of your own blood to clot the leak. We tried to get the procedure done to fix it, but there was some confusion with the dr.'s and we were preoccupied with the condition/stability of the babies. Aiden has begun having episodes of not breathing along w/ a severe drop in heart rate called apnea. They have begun running test on him to see if he has an infection and they are giving him medicine to help him breath. We are not removing either baby from the incubator currently to hold or feed them because we don't want them to expend any energy at all. They released me from the hospital late last night (Tues). I was supposed to go see my little girl at USA but the staples in my incision got twisted and stuck so they had to call in a Dr. to remove them and by then it was too late. They also refused to do my spinal before I left, although I was in excruciating pain from the fluid in my brain. So my physical pain, along with the disappointment of not getting to see Abigail, and having to leave the hospital made this one of the hardest days yet. Leaving my babies at the hospital and coming home without my family was harder than I ever imagined it could be. Even though I could not be with Abigail, at least little Aiden was not alone while I was still there. I hated the thought of them not being held, or loved on by anyone- being there all alone. It's just not how any mother would have ever imagined it to be. Not only that, but Ben and I are forced to spend most of our time apart so He can go be with one of the babies. Through many tears we helplessly trust our little miracles into their Makers hands and pray that He will hold them when we can't be there. Wednesday morning, my headache was worse so I had to be readmitted to the hospital for a blood patch to be done. I'm recovering now and having to lay flat for 6 hours for it to take full effect. Please continue to pray for Abigail and Aiden- their health and growth. It is times like these that our faith is tested and proven genuine. We trust that our Father is completely in control of our lives and of our babies lives. It is so reasuring knowing we don't have to live by statistics- God is way bigger than that. We are leaning on His strength, because we do not the strength to walk this on our own. Please pray for Ben and myself- emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Not only are we emotionally overwhelmed, but we are also physically exhausted from pumping every two hours and traveling to see babies. We are taking things one hour at a time, and the Lord is carrying us through by His gracious hand. Thank you so much for your prayers and concern.