Infertility

Infertility is hard. It is painful (literally and physically). It is expensive. It strikes at the core of every women, and impedes on our ability to carry out the very mandate we were created to fulfill; "Be fruitful and multiply…" Sometimes I can look at the way the Lord has written our story and be thankful for what he has given. I can see how he has used many of the painful things in my life and brought good from them, turning the purpose evil had intended on its head. But many times I am not thankful, and I feel the accuser attacking my God and my faith. The blessing of children is one that test my faith because it is something ONLY the Lord can do, and feels as though he blesses many, but is withholding from me. My heart yearns to understand, and longs for core longings to be fulfilled. The last time I went down the road of testing and treatment, I didn't share much with others. Keeping private was a way to protect myself from greater pain when/if nothing happened. However, this time I have decided to share the journey with those who desire to read it. I am sharing because I believe in the power of vulnerability and community. Because I know that my own heart begins to breath when I hear/see others struggling with the same thing. Because I know that healing does not necessarily come in receiving whatever it is we feel we need, instead it comes in living authentically with those who choose to enter into the mess with you to hurt when you hurt and rejoice when you rejoice. In that place of surrender and vulnerability is a gift of intimacy and tranquility I have found no other place. This too is a unique blessing, which only God can give.

Longing are dangerous...

Our longings are dangerous… Anytime we open ourselves up to embrace the depth of our desires, we are in danger of feeling the agonizing pain of never seeing those desires come to fruition. As men and women, we have specific desires woven into the fabric of our being from the beginning of time. Good desires, one's that spring out of our dignity, not our depravity. But when those desires are met with a sin stained world, they are often either silenced out of fear, or idolized and demanded. To maintain the balance of remaining open to our longings without idolizing them, trusting and hoping in what may be to come while continuing to grieve what is not had, is an extremely difficult task. So difficult, in fact, that it cannot be articulated with words. It is far easier to silence desire and protect myself from the ache that never really seems to go away, than to fully face my desire and thus choose to feel painful daily reminders of what I do not have. Often, at least for me, this causes a cyclical oscillation from hope to despair and then back again. It can seem as though the waves of the journey, of allowing myself to lean into little glimmers of hope only then to be dashed again by another major hurdle, will suck so much life out of me that my heart won't survive it. It feels like pieces of me die…but maybe that's a part of the process. That though there is death, there will also be new life on the other side.